Some Things I Learned in Therapy

 Hey there. How are you? I’ve found the last few days particularly difficult. There’s not really one particular reason…just feeling weary from the endless nature of the situation we’re in. I’ve been transported back in time to last summer, triggered by the very similar feelings I had during a traumatic time.

Last June, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, naturally at a birth center. I say it that way, because I did a lot of work to avoid having a hospital birth, and was very fortunate to have a totally smooth experience. Two weeks later, we had just returned home from showing off our sweet guy and celebrating a friend’s birthday when he felt a little extra hot to me while I was feeding him. Not feeling too anxious yet, I had my husband take his temperature just to be sure there wasn’t anything wrong. As I watched the numbers rise, the tightness in my chest grew. He had a fever of 102º. After some phone calls, we rushed to the car and headed to Vanderbilt Children’s ER. After several very traumatizing tests (Catheter, blood draws, spinal tap) and staying overnight, we were told that a bacterial infection was found and we would be staying for 10–14 days. The infection was Group B strep, and ended up recurring two more times. We spent a total of 38 days in the hospital. I felt out of control, totally at the mercy of medical professionals telling me what was best. Every day I had to be vigilant about asking the right questions, doing my own research, advocating to new nurses for our needs. Every day I had to cope with the reality that my questions couldn’t be answered. There were unknowns at every turn. Every day I tried to create and stick to a routine to keep myself sane, take a shower, go for a walk, talk to a friend, update family, eat something healthy. The uncertainty, vigilance, schedule keeping…it’s all a very familiar feeling right now. Some days when I don’t feel like going for a walk even though I know it will make me feel better, or when I would love to just make a quick store run without getting everything I might need for two weeks and wearing a mask and making sure everyone is staying away from me, or when I want to just go to a friends house, sit and dine together, hug each other….I’m transported right back to my hospital room, feeling trapped, and isolated, and scared.

When we were mostly out of the woods with the infection, I decided to start going to therapy. Specifically, I wanted to see someone who could do EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to address the trauma. I knew that it wasn’t sustainable for my life to go into fight or flight mode every time my kid cried. I wanted to share some things I learned, because, news flash, we are in the middle of a traumatic experience.Last June, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, naturally at a birth center. I say it that way, because I did a lot of work to avoid having a hospital birth, and was very fortunate to have a totally smooth experience. Two weeks later, we had just returned home from showing off our sweet guy and celebrating a friend’s birthday when he felt a little extra hot to me while I was feeding him. Not feeling too anxious yet, I had my husband take his temperature just to be sure there wasn’t anything wrong. As I watched the numbers rise, the tightness in my chest grew. He had a fever of 102º. After some phone calls, we rushed to the car and headed to Vanderbilt Children’s ER. After several very traumatizing tests (Catheter, blood draws, spinal tap) and staying overnight, we were told that a bacterial infection was found and we would be staying for 10–14 days. The infection was Group B strep, and ended up recurring two more times. We spent a total of 38 days in the hospital. I felt out of control, totally at the mercy of medical professionals telling me what was best. Every day I had to be vigilant about asking the right questions, doing my own research, advocating to new nurses for our needs. Every day I had to cope with the reality that my questions couldn’t be answered. There were unknowns at every turn. Every day I tried to create and stick to a routine to keep myself sane, take a shower, go for a walk, talk to a friend, update family, eat something healthy. The uncertainty, vigilance, schedule keeping…it’s all a very familiar feeling right now. Some days when I don’t feel like going for a walk even though I know it will make me feel better, or when I would love to just make a quick store run without getting everything I might need for two weeks and wearing a mask and making sure everyone is staying away from me, or when I want to just go to a friends house, sit and dine together, hug each other….I’m transported right back to my hospital room, feeling trapped, and isolated, and scared.

For me, my anxiety looked like spiraling thoughts and what if’s — — What if the infection comes back, what if it’s worse this time, what if they never find out what’s wrong, what if there’s something worse wrong that they can’t see, what if he dies — — My counselor suggested this strategy from Jeffery Schwartz’ book Brainlock called The 4 Steps. I recommend watching this short video where he gives an introductory explanation: 4 steps to changing your brain for good by Jeffrey Schwartz

1. Relabel — Notice and name what you are experiencing. “I’m feeling worried”
2. Reframe — examine the evidence/identify what’s really happening. “Just because I feel that something is wrong, doesn’t mean something is.”
3. Refocus — shift attention away from the worry, do something opposite. Use a part of the brain that is not being activated. More on that below
4. Revalue — show self- compassion, recognize the outcomes.

For me, my primary trauma response was thoughts/words, so to refocus, my counselor explained that more thoughts and words won’t help. Using the same part of the brain that is activated in worry will not help shift attention away. So for me, strategies suggested were math, music, movement, and balance. Math problems were particularly helpful to me because I love teaching math, but for many math is itself a trauma, so it might not fit for you. I would go through the multiplication tables in my head, but writing it down worked the best because it was adding movement. Since a lot of trauma flashbacks happened for me in moments where I was holding my baby or feeding him, something as simple as moving by rocking in the chair and humming a song was something I could do. My counselor said that it was important to do whatever refocus activity I chose for 15 minutes to really shift attention in the brain. The revalue step is where positive self talk can help. This step is important because the point isn’t to just distract and stop worrying. Recognizing that thoughts aren’t the same as behaviors, usually a “false alarm worry” won’t have the outcome you imagined in a worst case scenario, celebrating success and caring for yourself is an important piece of the puzzle.

Another more simple strategy you can do anywhere, anytime is good old deep breathing. The thing that is key with deep breathing is to actually focus on the exhale. Try taking 9 heart breaths:

Place your hands over your heart, take 3 long exhales. Switch which hand is on top, and take three more long exhales. Go back to the original position and take three more long exhales. Feel better?

I’m NOT a therapist and don’t pretend to be any sort of authority on healing from trauma. I just wanted to put some things out there that have helped me, and encourage you to seek out help. Whether it’s just opening up to some friends about what you are experiencing or getting an appointment with a mental health professional, do something to help calm those worries. You don’t have to spend your days in cycles of fight or flight mode.